 Area Millenial *Gideon Morrie, an employee of a local independently owned electronics store, has had enough of the roommate lifestyle.
Gideon was overheard at his workplace complaining of his roommate's unforgivable etiquette around their shared two bedroom apartment. "You see, it's not just the amount of wifi he soaks up with his online League of Legends sessions... it's a combination of that and his desire to participate in his one-man cosplay shows every Friday and Saturday night that concerns me. Sorry, I mean his 'performance art.' That, and his idea of decent hygiene." Gideon stated that his roommate's offside behavior (which includes aiming in the general direction of their shared toilet and leaving urine stains that have now caramelized upon surfaces) is affecting his own potential steaming hot love life. "I know he thinks he has it made because last week he virtually married his anime girlfriend, but I'm out here trying to build something meaningful in the real world. A squirrel trying to get a nut, you know?" "I convinced one of the girls from work to come over for brunch last Sunday, and it was a total disaster." He furthers with, "I was showing off my collection of vintage Motorola Razrs to her when this prick finally decides to get out of the bed and walks into the bathroom without so much as a 'Good morning' to either of us." It was then that Gideon's pitiful roommate spent upwards of 40 minutes loudly eliminating his internal waste accumulated from the previous night's chicken and potato wedge meal from 7-11. As a result, Gideon and his guest could not stomach their brunch of scrambled salsa eggs and fruit salad. The female guest announced she had to get to her weekend office cleaning job and promptly left the apartment. Gideon states that he is currently seeking other living arrangments and would consider exchanging Class B shares of his online brochure business in lieu of rent. -Guest Contributor May 10, 2017 will forever go down in K-Town Tattler history as, "The Day of the Threat". At 10:17 A.M. local Tattler employee *Jane Doe, innocently sat down with her morning Coca-Coffee and prepared to check her spam-filled email. Jane reported, "I wasn't expecting anything of importance, like usual." She furthered with, "It was the normal slew of rejection emails from international publishers and local day-homes, when I saw something that changed my life." The disturbing subject line said it all. "Even a Bitch". Jane's spine stiffened as quickly as a 37 year old Instrumentation Mechanic at the site of folded laundry and prepared supper. For the first time in her life, she was truly afraid. With permission, The Tattler is re-posting this ominous threat:  Reminiscing on her past, Jane recounted moments where she may or may not have pissed someone off. Looking out the window into her neighbour's yard, hoping to spot 'Ron Weasley' (her precious pet that had been missing for the past 34 hours), she wistfully recalled (and trailed off with), "There was that one time, when I was on the dance floor at the RL...".
The Tattler patiently waited as Jane used the washroom... and then moved into her office, where she proceeded to throw paper towels on canine urine from the previous evening. Once settled into her computer chair (missing one armrest), she finally continued with, "..and I told everyone around me to go home and introduce themselves to their kids. Then, I attempted to breakdance and ended up splitting my chin open.... but that was weeks ago." At time of reporting, there are no persons of interest. Details will be reported upon further investigation. -JD  Local Fitness Instructor *Shania Lafayette is pleasantly surprised by the amount of new clients she has signed up this spring.
Lafayette reports that in the past years her classes have been occupied by 100% female clientele. However, this spring she has had an influx of local middle aged husbands and fathers requesting to reserve spots in her highly sought-after fitness classes. She says, "You can tell that our society is finally evolving when men are willing to try out new things that have been traditionally female-dominated. My Zumba class is completely booked, and over 80% of my clients are men! It's great to see these guys taking care of themselves finally." When asked about the sudden desire to participate in group fitness, local man *Dale McSimmons said that he heard Lafayette's husband was planning on being out of town on an extended hunting trip for the better part of the year and he, "...figured it would be a good idea to help Shania out by assisting in her fitness classes whenever she needs it." *Mike Dole, a new class participant stated, "She really could use someone to watch her form closely. She can't see herself from behind, so I make damn sure to pay close attention for her. I don't want to see the poor girl throw out her back or strain a joint." Lafayette states, "These guys are so nice and helpful. They always pitch in to help me get my quads stretched out, or meticulously wipe the dust off of my clothes." When Lafayette's husband was contacted for a comment on his friendly male community members, he stated, "I will definitely be back sooner than they think." -JD  Environment Canada is issuing a warning to Saskatchewan residents to monitor the weight of traffic atop it’s frozen lakes in the coming months.
The ice on most Saskatchewan lakes is usually thick enough to support vehicles and fishing equipment at this time of year, but due to incidents of excessively heavier than normal traffic, extreme caution should be used. This past Saturday a number of deep cracks in ice surfaces were reported by Conservation Officers in the Rural Municipality of Big River No. 555. “This is not a climate change issue,” says an Environment Canada area representative. “This is an isolated incident involving patrons that have far-exceeded the recommended weight limit.” Locals are being warned to exercise extreme caution, and report any violations to their Environment Canada Area Representatives. -JD  New studies find that the leading major cause of self-induced ejaculation amongst male Saskatchewan farmers between the ages of 18-47 can be blamed on Auto-Steer.
Automated Steering Systems automatically steer a tractor on line with maximum precision—freeing up the driver's hands so he can focus on the job ahead of him. Numerous reports from the spouses of local male farmers state that their bedroom life has taken a downturn after their machinery was upgraded with Auto-Steer Systems. *Shelley Brooks of Plenty, Sk says, “He just doesn’t really seem interested in me at the end of the day anymore. I blame Auto-Steer.” *Dale Climengals of Ruthilda, Sk says that Auto-Steer has enhanced his farming experience so much that he now prefers to spend time with the automated system instead of his fiancé. He states that, “Auto-Steer doesn’t judge me, tell me to hurry up, or make me look it in the eye.” He unnecessarily adds that his preferred receptacle is an empty Panago box or A&W bag. -JD |
DISCLAIMER: K-Town Tattler is a news and political satire web publication, which may or may not use real names, often in semi-real or mostly fictitious ways. All news articles contained within ktowntattler.com are fiction, and presumably fake news.Any resemblance to the truth is purely coincidental, except for all references to politicians and/or celebrities, in which case they are based on real people, but still based almost entirely in fiction.
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