Finnigan McJingles, a Rosedale neighbourhood cat, has issued a sincere apology over an embarrassing mistake he made involving his neighbours' sandboxes.
Finnigan released the following statement on Monday, March 14:
"To all the families I have hurt with my irresponsible and selfish behaviour, you have my deepest apologies. The only possible defence I can give myself is utter ignorance over the situation. I genuinely assumed you all had installed luxurious outdoor litterboxes especially for my use. I will not make this mistake again."
Finnigan reported that he has been defecating in area sandboxes for the past three years, never thinking there was any wrongdoing on his part.
He made the startling realization after observing the behaviour of local children in his giant litterboxes. "I honestly, for the longest time thought that their parents were making them scoop out my filth, so I could keep enjoying a nice clean litterbox. But eventually I put two and two together, and realized they were actually playing in the sand. Jeeeeeezus....those kids were playing in my shit! God, I feel awful."
He goes on to say, "I know for a FACT that Socks (who lives across the alleyway) is still doing it. I told him all about it when I found out, but he thinks it's hilarious so he does it on purpose every night. He's always been an asshole."
When Socks was asked for a comment, he simply blinked once before throwing up on a suitcase.