Soiled Underwear Found on Ditson Drive

Local residents are in shock after making a foul discovery on their property located on Ditson Drive.


*Rita and Sherman Hamsfeld, owners of the tainted property, say they were outside on a breezy Sunday morning doing some light yard work when Sherman let out a bloodcurdling scream.


“I had no idea what could be wrong,” states Rita. “I thought maybe he found a dead body.”


Rita had no idea that what her husband came upon was much more gruesome than she ever could have imagined.


Sherman shakily recounts that he was cleaning some random debris out of his bushes when he caught a glimpse of white cloth. He grabbed a shovel and poked at the article in question when he realized it was a pair of men’s underpants. Laughing to himself at first, he attempted to dislodge the undergarment and discovered it was soiled with human dung. That is when the screaming began.


“I freaked out man! To see a pair of sh*t-covered goch in your bushes…that changes a person.”


Once Sherman was able to gain control over his hysteria, he managed to maneuver the soiled underwear into a garbage bag and immediately disposed of it.


Rita says that the couple then started speculating on how such a grisly item could have ended up on their property. After assessing their location and the fact that they discovered the repugnant skivvies on a Sunday morning, they came up with what is assumed to be a factual account.


“So we figure there’s some guy getting wasted the night before at the Doghouse [a bar located down the street from the Hamsfeld’s] and he decides to walk home along Ditson,” supposes Sherman. “He probably starts feeling the sh*ts hitting him around the Co-Op, but thinks he can hold it in until he makes ‘er home. I guess he just didn’t make ‘er.” 


Rita interjects with, “Ya, can you imagine how badly you’d need to sh*t to just let it rip in someone’s bushes? I kind of feel bad for whoever he is.”


It is then concluded that the suspected “Bush Dumper” was in a panic after relieving his quivering bowels, realizing he was needing to clean himself. After looking around and finding nothing else suitable, he begrudgingly removed his own underwear and made use of them before drunkenly hiding them in the shrubbery.


The Hamsfelds say they do not feel ill will towards the Bush Dumper, and hope he gets the medical attention he obviously needs.

*Names have been changed to protect identities
​-JG

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